Mother's Day,Teaching, and A Heart That is Still Healing

Some weeks are easier than others.  I'm pretty sure that's a true statement for most people.  This past week wasn't one of the easy ones.   At school, we had testing, lots of testing.  In addition to the STAAR Assessments, we had AP tests going on.  I administered the AP Spanish test.  What a day that was!  The test involves CD players, audio recordings, and CD burning.  Testing alone is enough to make a hard week, but then my husband got sick, my daughter got sick, and my husband and I got in a disagreement over something silly.  Stress will do that.

Being a teacher and being a mom is hard.  This week I was feeling especially down on myself for being a less than ideal mom, mostly because of social media envy.  I see posts of moms doing cool things for their kids or with their kids and I think, why didn't I think of that, or why didn't I take them to do that, and I remember.  I was probably grading papers, planning lessons, sending an email, or answering a remind.  It's May.  We are all exhausted.  I convince myself that my kids do have a good mom; they just happen to share her with other kids, too.  I don't usually let things like this bother me.  I do the best I can and I believe that God placed my kids and me right where we are supposed to be.  I couldn't help but wonder why the mommy guilt was nagging at me more than usual, and then it hit me.  I missed my mommy.

My Mom and Me - 1999

When your bucket is empty, and you're feeling like you aren't good enough, who can you count on to always lift you up?  Your mom.  My mom passed away on Mother's Day, 2014.  My heart seems to know.  As I parent these teenagers, I long to hear her voice, and her advice, and her cheering me on; because that's what moms do.  I firmly believe God has a perfect plan, but I also know that it's okay to slow down and mourn for what you miss by not having her around.  I still need to remind myself to give my sadness and my worry to God.  He can carry the sorrows that my heart can't always bear.

Mother's Day will always be a bittersweet holiday for me.  I need to remind myself that my being a mom all started with her.  And through me, her legacy lives on.  If I can be there for my kids as often as my mom was there for me, then I have nothing to regret about my mommy powers.  It's these people who remind me daily that being a mom is what makes my heart beat stronger, even while it is healing.

These two:  This man who trusted me to become the bonus mom to his little girl.  This man who took a second chance on love.  That trust and that chance enabled me to become a mom.

1999

This little baby:  This little boy, my man-child.  This picture says it all.  I adore him.  God chose me to be his mom, but he chose him to fill my heart with a kind of love that I didn't know I had.  

2000

This beautiful girl:  That smile, my daughter, whom I wished for since I was a little girl.  I had no idea how precious she would grow up to be.  From the moment I found out she was a girl, I couldn't wait to meet her.  This angel completes our family perfectly.

2002

These three:  The frame says it all.  Dreams really do come true.  I don't live a princess life, but I live a good life.  I love my job.  I love my kids.  I love my husband.  Yes, my heart has some broken pieces, and they may not ever mend, but cup runneth over with blessings.  So, today, I will mourn, I will celebrate, and I will remember:  Being a mom started with my mom who molded me into the lady I am today.

2002